Alright, this has really been bugging me lately.
I'm in France. I'm in the South of France. It's warm and sunny. I live on the beach. I'm gaining weight because the food here is so good.
So why have I been so homesick and unhappy lately?? I mean really, what else could I want from life right now??
But I think it's a little more complex and nuanced than that. No, I'm not whining and packing up my bags because I'm quitting the program. When I sign up for or commit to something, I'm going to see it through to the end and try my best. That being said, I think I'm doing a fairly good job of teaching here. My students can conjugate verbs as complex as "to be" (I am/he is? that doesn't make any grammatical sense), which they aren't technically supposed to learn until middle school. Plus, on top of that they know all sorts of vocabulary. So I really do give a damn, even though it doesn't sound like I wholeheartedly am doing so.
But I digress.
I've come to the realization that being in France is only prolonging the rest of my life to come. What's wrong with that, right? Well, normally I'd say nothing. But I realized that I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get back in June. And I'll be 23, so in theory my professional life should have already begun well before then.
And I know, I know, who am I to complain about being abroad for a whole year and putting off other real responsibilities?? Well, usually I would never even think of doing such a thing, but it really is bothering me that I'm out of college and still spending all my parents' money.
So I think that's the root of my problems here. I can't have the time of my life and still keep a clean conscience about it.
Oh yeah, and being so far away from all the closest people in my life is kind of weighing on me. Having friends here is a bit inconvenient because we're all scattered in different areas of the city, working in different schools, with buses that stop circulating at 7 p.m. So only once in a while can we actually hang out when our schedules permit.
Maybe I'm just being a big baby. We'll see what happens when I go back to California for my winter break in TWO WEEKS! Maybe I'll get it out of my system and come back to France for my second half of this program refreshed and ready to go.
On verra...
...16 days until California!
So why have I been so homesick and unhappy lately?? I mean really, what else could I want from life right now??
But I think it's a little more complex and nuanced than that. No, I'm not whining and packing up my bags because I'm quitting the program. When I sign up for or commit to something, I'm going to see it through to the end and try my best. That being said, I think I'm doing a fairly good job of teaching here. My students can conjugate verbs as complex as "to be" (I am/he is? that doesn't make any grammatical sense), which they aren't technically supposed to learn until middle school. Plus, on top of that they know all sorts of vocabulary. So I really do give a damn, even though it doesn't sound like I wholeheartedly am doing so.
But I digress.
I've come to the realization that being in France is only prolonging the rest of my life to come. What's wrong with that, right? Well, normally I'd say nothing. But I realized that I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get back in June. And I'll be 23, so in theory my professional life should have already begun well before then.
And I know, I know, who am I to complain about being abroad for a whole year and putting off other real responsibilities?? Well, usually I would never even think of doing such a thing, but it really is bothering me that I'm out of college and still spending all my parents' money.
So I think that's the root of my problems here. I can't have the time of my life and still keep a clean conscience about it.
Oh yeah, and being so far away from all the closest people in my life is kind of weighing on me. Having friends here is a bit inconvenient because we're all scattered in different areas of the city, working in different schools, with buses that stop circulating at 7 p.m. So only once in a while can we actually hang out when our schedules permit.
Maybe I'm just being a big baby. We'll see what happens when I go back to California for my winter break in TWO WEEKS! Maybe I'll get it out of my system and come back to France for my second half of this program refreshed and ready to go.
On verra...
...16 days until California!
2 comments:
Hey, you know I'm in the same boat dahling. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but at 23 it's not a necessity to have it all figured out by now!! I've only learned that by experience. You're working towards something and you have interviews lined up for when you return. Something will pop up that you will love and you'll be on the right track, you just have to keep moving forward.
We'll have a loooooooooong day together when you come to visit. I can't wait!!
you're singing my song. i felt so lame missing california so much while i was in paris. everyone back in sb said they were jealous and that the wished they were me. but really, i just wanted to be THEM. i wanted to be back here.
now i'm back, and it's great...but there's still SOMETHING nagging at me. i thought that my problems would be lifted once i got back, but surprise surprise, i'm still not 100 percent. i'm realizing now that my problems are/were SO much more than being abroad and missing my friends and family.
so, i don't know what sort of consolation this has for you. i don't even really know the POINT of telling the story. maybe it's just good to get it out :-)
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