Here I stand with a quasi-career and a newly-earned degree. And I am abound with more questions than before I even started this whole college career. Now that it has come to a close, I need to come to terms with a lot of my life.
No longer am I a student here. Well, I haven't been for about four months now, has it really been that long? Everything is holding me back there and I cannot let go. I eventually will have to, but right now that is impossible. This laid-back life in the American Riviera is all I have known for the past four years -- I exchanged my naive personality for a more refined, experienced one based solely on this location and the people in it. But as time and seasons force the landscape to change, it was only a matter of time before we all moved out of our familiar roles, apartments, life stages, and so on. Santa Barbara has already begun to change without my permission. And I hardly recognize it anymore.
But that is all for another time. Currently, all I can think about are two facts. And they both are very intertwined.
The first is that I am only two months away from a new life on a different continent. I do nothing but eat, drink, breathe, think and dream French. It is sort of haunting because the related topic is that moving away for a year will force me to reevaluate the people in my life. Unfortunately, in order to experience a life abroad, the price I have to pay is a heavy one. People who are so familiar and close in my life will change their status very soon. That's not to say they won't still be close, just not as close anymore. One in particular.
It seems that the journey to France is a rite of passage in my life. Linguistically, yes, that couldn't be any more true. But what I'm talking about is more of an emotional, maturation process I need to go through. In short, it is a way of mending my heartaches. While I do not have much to complain about now in that department, it will be a certainty by the time my plane leaves American soil. That is the price I have to pay. Typically the trend seems to be the harder I fall, the longer my séjour in France.
But who knows, it just might be worth it. I might become a better person because of it. All I know is that I turned down an opportunity like this before because of a relationship and look how that worked out. Maybe things will work out the way they should for me in the future anyhow.
All I can do is long for my lazy days drenched under the niçois sun. However, I know for a fact that once it happens, I will without a doubt be longing for something back home that's right in front of me now.
